The Physical Aftermath of Pregnancy

The Physical Aftermath of Pregnancy

Cool new features of motherhood that nobody has the guts to tell you about

There are so many horrible things that people tell you are going to happen when you get pregnant. You'll get gas. You're feet will swell. Your back will hurt. On and on they go, rehashing pregnancy horror stories of their pregnancies or those of people they know. “She had morning sickness 24 hours a day for six months and had to be hospitalized three times.”


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for the vote of encouragement in this sensitive, miraculous time. Thanks for sharing how wondrous pregnancy and motherhood would be before I was in the family way and then turning around and making it sound like nine months of pure, merciless torture that will turn me into a hideous, zit-faced fart machine. By the look funny.

I've given birth to three children, and while my pregnancies were no picnic, they really weren't that bad. What I wished I'd have known ahead of time—not that it would have changed a thing—are the lingering effects of pregnancy after the little bundle has joined the family.


Where was the heads-up that I'd have rogue chin-hairs that don't freakin' go away. I once read an article during my second pregnancy that these little intruders weren't permanent. Yeah. My youngest is about to turn three and I'm still a tweezing machine.


Or, let's talk teeth for a minute. Since my beloved first departed the womb, my teeth have steadily grown worse. No matter how much dental care or calcium I get, those bad boys just aren't what they used to be.


And finally...stretch marks. Most women know going into a pregnancy that they'll be coming out with some battle scars around their waists, but my wooblies? Seriously? No one could mention that the ladies would suffer the same silver-streaked fate as my torso? That's gratitude for pumping out my kids' nourishment for three years.


Knowing this stuff wouldn't have changed my mind when it came to becoming a mother. I love my little stooges without bound. HOWEVER, a little, advanced notice that baby weight was the least of my worries would have been cool. Forever looking like a billy goat? Not a sweet surprise.